— Stewart Lee (via monkeymac-official)
SO THE FUCKING DOORBELL RANG THIS MORNING AND MY DAD ANSWERED IT AND THEN HE TOLD ME THERE WAS A LETTER FROM THE HOUSE OF COMMONS THAT ARRIVED FOR ME
I was slightly nonplussed.. maybe it was regarding the York alumni thing I’m meant to be going to…
But wait… what.. what’s this?
HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEE
— The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul, Douglas Adams (p 227)
- "I'm a private detective."
- "Oh?" said Kate in surprise, and then looked puzzled.
- "Does that bother you?"
- "It's just that I have a friend who plays the double bass."
- "I see," said Dirk.
- "Whenever people meet him and he's struggling around with it, they all say the same thing, and it drives him crazy. They all say, 'I bet you wished you played the piccolo.' Nobody ever works out that that's what everybody else says. I was just trying to work out if there was something that everybody would always say to a private detective so that I could avoid saying it."
- "No. What happens is that everybody looks very shifty for a moment, and you got that very well."
He gets so close to the mark. He says, “Like a lot of people, I feel that these days, there are a lot of problems with really unhealthy lifestyles that people have.”
And you think, this is really great, the future king of England is really on the money here, he’s going to say that social inequality across the world correlates really, really significantly with how much ill health there is in a country, or how many mental health problems there are in a country; he’s recognising that social inequality is pretty much the primary determinant of ill health, he recognises the value of exercise and eating lots of fresh fruit and veg throughout a whole lifestyle.
But no. The answer, from the future king of England, to your health problems, is a fucking magic potion."